Joey Mnemonic

Santa...(ceee coooo)I'm am your father...

I need to get back to my boat dammit! I never thought I utter those words (well... write them). I’m by suffocated by proxy. Even though it’s not the kind of weather to dwell in a place that has less insulation than an umbrella; I’d prefer to freeze my bollocks off then remain here. Here being home, (somewhere in west Kent –if you must know) – although I did catch my self referring to Hampton court as home today. I was reading in the Times (T2 – a total rip off of G2 in the guardian) 10 things to avoid in snow. One was cycling and another was canals. Great. It makes sense though – it’s only through my spider sense that I haven’t fallen in. My bike is now totally fucked anyway. The tyre went flat a week ago (I tried fixing it but it has more holes than Michael Jackson’s defence) - leaving a sorry looking Joe to walk four miles dragging his sorrier looking bike back. Which is why I decided to invest in a new bike before I kill myself.

“Have you enjoyed being back” inquired mother expectantly.

Joe shrugs and grunts “huh... yeah” shrugging, paying more attention to the defiant roast beef his knife was wrestling with. DIE DAM YOU (not you mum).

“What have you liked best about it? Seeing you brothers? Wide open space? The comfort?” Blatant attempt to prize me back home with the obvious digs at boat-dom.

“The Xbox” Quipped Joe with down-turning of the lips which usually indicates a judicial weighing up process.

Ah…. the Xbox or Sexbox. Having no TV aboard – I needed to cram as much gaming and technology based entertainment as I could before going back. No time for Presents Mum – I need to capture the rebel base before Darth Vader dies! No don’t stand there! For fucks sake! Now I’m dead…

It’s addictive, makes you really edgy too. When you’ve just been in an intergalactic war, fighting over brussel sprouts just doesn’t have the same intensity any more… I used the Sex-Box as a means of escape because CHRISTMAS SUCKED.

I’ve learnt a few valuable lessons this year. One is NEVER GET DRUNK AND DO YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

You invariable blow fuck loads of money on decadent but slightly rubbish gifts. Not only that – a disparity between gifts makes everyone feel bad. I spent 20-25 quid on each family member (4 bros 1 sis two parents). What do I get back? Shoddy books, a home made compilation CD, poker chips and beer. Apart from the Vietnamese xylophone Bren got me… ALL SHIT.

Everyone was over appreciative except Michael – the cunt. I don’t think he said thanks and threw his new, tastefully chosen top, in the corner- didn’t even try it on and is now still there! He, incidentally, gave me a cd of tracks he listens to – even though I give them out willy nilly to people all the time (I’ve given him three off-hand).

Phew. That’s my Christmas rant out the way – Christmases need to be annotated before the merge seamlessly in to one (horrible nightmare).

Spending time with Patrick’s always good (Youngest at 17). We actually get on. I got him Knights of the Old Republic Two as a poorly disguised gift….

“da daaaaa Knights of the Republic Two”

“Wow Joe – you’ve really pushed the boat out! (ha)…how much did th-”

“Get out my way!” Joe shouts as he pushes past Patrick with the game.

Appropriately deciding to do the game as a dark sider. Reflecting my couldn’t-give two-hoots-even-if-I-was-stamping-on-an-owl attitude over the Christmas period. I knew this would happen – I even prepared myself by reading Dickens – Pickwick Papers. Dickens description of Christmas only put my (great) expectations up.

New Years Eve was spent in what appears to the untrained eye in a totally shit fashion – but was actually enjoyable. Past New years usually involve following the herd to central London, being jostled around – practically robbed by the likes of Fabric and your female companions practically raped my marauding, sweaty, middle aged men of Pakistani/Indian extraction (That’s about as P.C as I’m going to get). Each Year is commenced with the “why?” but yet I still do it. It’s peer pressure – that life blood of consumerism. People get co-erced into stuff just because of the status quo. That’s my reasoning for staying in this year. ON MY OWN. The response to that statement has been pity mingled with incredulity. More reasons why

1. With money I’ve saved I can get a new bike (70 – 100 quid).

2. Used to living by self and I really missed it just being me.

3. Match of the Day.

4. I’ve narrowed my friends down to a select few – I only really enjoy myself with them.

5. I had to get a good swoop time to beat C9 T9 (Knights of the old republic).

No regrets. Most people would feel depressed but I can honestly say that it was the best New Years ever.

“Don’t you want to spend New Years around people that you know?”

“Yeah… Me – I spent it with me”.

I guess it’s a bad sign. I’m 23 and already a grouchy hermit. People hating is only a recent development. One thing I have noticed is that I can’t compose. All creative juice is drained from me whilst at home – which actually had some disastrous consequences…

Unbeknown to me, my mum’s friend came over. Now her son is chief talent scout for a major label. He discovered the Killers and Keane (although he wasn’t allowed to offer them a contract). He did sign Athlete though. Anyway, there I was playing on the old Sexbox, when all of a sudden she and husband request to hear my stuff. Now I didn’t have a CD with me so I reluctantly grabbed a shitty Spanish guitar from my dad’s room. Bad move. I totally fucked up. Forgetting chords, lyrics the whole sherbang! This was after I talked myself up by comparing my song writing techniques to Brian Wilson's.

They still pretended to like it (bless) and I patched up some of the damage by playing a few Simon and Garfunkal numbers. But still the damage is done – they have indirect power to make me rich and famous – and I blew it!

And I forgot to send Christmas cards to people on my island (with the word “fucking” etched in between happy and Christmas).

Well... there’s always next year…

# posted by Some Cleverly Ironic Name : 5:41 PM